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WEEK OF FEBRUARY 2

by Bruce Bennett

“National park signs related to Native Americans, climate change to be removed”
—The Washington Post

What happened, didn’t. Read the sign.
Our climate was, and is, divine.
We’ve always occupied this land.
Our treatment of it has been grand,

Respectful. Nothing happened here
that we can’t boast about and cheer.
We are “restoring truth and sanity.”

You doubt that? Just tune in to Hannity!

by Philip Kitcher

(To be sung to the tune of Cwm Rhondda (Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer))

I shall always do your bidding
Whatsoever you may ask,
Figure out when you’re just kidding,
Then perform the intended task.
It’s no hassle,
I’m your vassal,
Every wish of yours is mine.
I no longer have a spine.

You foresee our nation’s beauty,
I must make your dream come true;
Full obedience is my duty—
You will tell me what to do.
I won’t skimp it,
I’m a limpet,
My adhesion won’t abate.
I’ll be your invertebrate.

by Dan Campion

“You Wouldn’t Want to Butt Heads With This Small Dinosaur: A newly discovered raptor had a knobby bump on its head, suggesting that, like some larger dinosaurs, it engaged in competitive head bashing.”
—The New York Times

I wouldn’t want to butt heads with
A dinosaur of any size,
Nor with a human, nor a Sith,
Not for a payoff nor a prize,
As butting heads is not my forte.
Besides, I’d like to keep my wits,
And banging heads cuts reason short.
We see this each time Congress sits.

by Anne S. Reiner

“Trump: You can’t have guns.”
—The Wall Street Journal

A protest is no place for pistols—
if you aren’t ICE officials.

by Steven Kent

“Military Police Troops Put on Alert for Possible Deployment to Minnesota”
—The New York Times

“Trump Says U.S. ‘Armada’ Is Heading to Iran, Raising Pressure on Regime”
—The New York Times

Our troop diversions
Make it clear
Embattled Persians
Need not fear:
We’ll storm the beach
Both far and near
To guard free speech
(But fight it here).

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Primary school teacher banned after drinking can of beer in classroom…”
—The Independent

A man should not be teaching kids
Who doesn’t have the nous
To pour his brewski in a glass
And pass it off as juice.

by Marshall Begel

“Ex-KISS member Vinnie Vincent… is refusing to release what he calls the ‘greatest album of all time’ unless fans pay… $200 per song.”
—Syracuse.com

It seems the way to get ahead in
culture is the way
the landmark piece, “Guitarmaggedon”
makes its fans prepay.

Inspired, I wrote a work of art:
a parody, in rhyme,
too good for any rating chart—
the greatest of all time.

Before I let you celebrate
my artful expertise,
you must provide the standard rate
(in US dollars, please).