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WEEK OF MARCH 16

by Shaun Jex

Timothée Chalamet
Said, “I don’t really care for ballet.
It’s hard to plié with ease
When you’ve got foot-in-mouth disease.”

by Julia Griffin

for Hannah Graham

“White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt refused to rule out a potential military draft during a Sunday interview, stating President Trump ‘wisely keeps his options on the table.'”
—Fox News

(After Phil Ochs)

Oh, I’m just a genius President
Who ought to be given a crown:
I believe in God, he’s part of my squad,
And a-blamin’ the poor and brown;

And when it came my time to serve
I asked my old man Fred.
Turns out he had a draft board buddy,
And this is what we said:

Sarge, I’m only twenty-two, I’ve got a deal to do,
And I always carry a purse;
I’ve an orange rash and a bunch of cash,
And I’ve been signed off by a nurse.

“Yes, think of my career in the real estate sphere
And the saps who’ll be paying me rent,
Besides, I’ll star on TV, have a wife or three,
Then I’m gonna be the President.

“I’ve spurs on my feet, though they still smell sweet,
And I’m learning the POTUS craft,
And this I swear, when I’m settled in there,
I’ll be bringing in a brand-new draft.

“I got a taste for war, I’m gonna send the poor,
They’re what any Board prefers;
You can forget my son—when all is done
I’ll be worried about his spurs.

“I’ll be seventy-nine with my lackeys in line
To cringe any time that I frown;
And Sarge, let me sham out of Vietnam
And I’ll end up rocking a crown.”

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“New research finds mental decline ‘not inevitable’ with age”
—The Independent

It isn’t? Damn! Well, bang goes my excuse
For screwing up at work and being obtuse.

by Paul Lander

“As reported by the Wall Street Journal earlier this week, President Donald Trump has a penchant for doling out $145 Florsheim Oxfords to cabinet members and closest allies. … But as several photographs have since shown, Rubio’s are at least two sizes too big for him.”
—Vogue

Rubio’s giant shoes
You know what they say, Marco?
Little feet, little…

by Dan Campion

“Why Falling Cats Always Seem to Land on Their Feet:
It takes backbone to solve an enigma like the ‘falling cat’ problem.”
—The New York Times

The research team deserve congrats,
But there’s no “problem” for the cats.

by Nora Jay

“‘A few beatings won’t kill you’: judge rejects divorce request of woman abused by husband in Afghanistan”
—The Guardian

Oh, go away, you noisy female pill, you;
This court’s too busy to indulge your shrieks.
A beating husband isn’t going to kill you!
But if he does, we’ll jail him for two weeks.