–

by Clyde Always

“Florida man swallows $769K stolen diamond earrings from Tiffany & Co,
asks cops if he’ll be charged for ‘what’s in my stomach’”
—New York Post

I was jolted, as off to the pokey I went,
by the deepest of all my epiphanies:
that swallowing jewelry’s not what they meant
when they titled it “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

by Stephen Gold

“UK Ministers stand by invitation for Trump to visit King Charles”
—The Times

It seems, despite one’s lofty station,
In order to protect one’s nation,
One has to hold one’s noble nose,
Try not to curl one’s stately toes,
And welcome “warmly” to one’s palace
An orange blob of bile and malice.

So, though I know it won’t be pleasant
To butter up this preening peasant,
I’ll grit my teeth, extend my hand,
Bring out the troops, the coach, the band,
And with Britannia’s dearest pal,
Ride arm-in-arm along the Mall.

Alas, it has to be this way.
Thank God it’s only for a day!
To be a king can be a curse,
But I suppose it could be worse,
For soon, the time will come, I fear,
To do the same for Vladimir.

by Marshall Begel

“Man Pretending to Be Captain Arrested After Stealing $8-Million Fishing Boat
with the Crew Still Aboard”
—Outdoor Life

(With apologies to Walt Whitman)

Faux Captain! my Captain! You ordered us to post.
You knew the craft from helm to aft and steered us from the coast.
You shouted out your orders and this faithful crew obeyed,
Though puzzled by your ignorance about the fishing trade.
But O gall! gall! gall!
Your masquerade was bound to fail.
At mention of the mother ship,
You doomed your ass to jail.

by Philip Kitcher

“[M]any of his comments included false and misleading information.”
—The Associated Press

Reporters often find it takes too long
to pinpoint all the statements he gets wrong.
The remedy? Since they are rather few,
just list the ones that qualify as true.

by Julia Griffin

“Athena, a probe launched by the Texas-based company Intuitive Machines (IM)
last month, touched down about 250 miles from its intended landing site
near the moon’s south pole on Thursday … showing an ‘incorrect attitude’. …
On Friday… IM declared Athena dead.”
—The Guardian

The Grey-Eyed One, offspring of Zeus’s brain,
Goddess and comrade, bounty-giver, guide
To heroes, prompt to succor and sustain:
She, say Intuitive Machines, has died.
She missed the Moon’s south pole. I would expect
She leaned out of a window, since we learn
Alas, her attitude was incorrect.
At any rate, don’t hope she will return.
A goddess gone! Athena, brave and wise!

I’d like to say this came as a surprise.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Experts say being nice is good for you. After two weeks of praising people
I can feel the difference”
—The Telegraph

And even if a fortnight doing nothing
But singing people’s praises like a choir
Is not enough to perk you up completely,
At least you’ll be a more accomplished liar.

by Alex Steelsmith

“[T]he ongoing bird flu crisis continues… and eggs become pricier and harder to find…”
—Comstock’s Magazine

Higgledy-eggledy,
avian flu virus
stays in the headlines; the
story has legs.

Maybe by Easter we’ll
semi-ironically
find that we’re no longer
hunting for eggs.

by Steven Kent

“Chinese Company to Single Workers: Get Married or Get Out”
—The New York Times

Forgive our small intrusion on your life:
You’d like to keep this job? Go get a wife,
Show up on time, work hard, be ever-loyal,
Then run right home and make a boy or goyal.

by Dan Campion

“Trove of Ancient Axes Shows Early Humans Made Tools From Bones”
—The New York Times

What’s different now? We hear our chiefs
Rake up old bones, and swing their blades
At friend and foe to guard their fiefs.
Boneheaded instinct never fades.

by Bruce Bennett

“Scientists have genetically engineered mice with some key characteristics
of an extinct animal that was far larger—the woolly mammoth.”
—NPR

The mammoth was surely a brute,
A thunderous lunging galoot.
So isn’t it nice
They’ve engineered mice
With similar genes, who are cute?

Still, maybe we ought to take care?
This planet we all have to share
Has problems enough,
And it’s pretty darned tough
For the threatened beasts already there!