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WEEK OF DECEMBER 15

by Steven Kent

“Patient police say they have recovered Fabergé pendant from man accused of swallowing it”
—The Guardian

Our thief, Dear Watson, stands now under sentry—
The evidence, you see, is alimentary.

by Michael Stein

“Let’s make one thing crystal clear: Admiral Mitch Bradley is an American hero, a true professional, and has my 100% support. I stand by him and the combat decisions he has made—on this September 2 mission and all others since. America is fortunate to have such men protecting us. When this @DeptofWar says we have the back of our warriors—we mean it.”
—Pete Hegseth on X

I wasn’t there the whole attack,
But love how he left no one livin’!
And rest assured: I have his back.
(‘Cause that’s where I just stuck the shiv in.)

by Bruce Bennett

“Honeybees… [sometimes make honey from] the sticky, sugary substance that spotted lanternflies leave behind after slurping tree sap…. The proper term for this substance is honeydew, but that’s really just another word for poop.”
—The Washington Post

I eat this honey by the scoop,
but now they tell me it’s just poop.

I really have adored the taste.
How could I know that it was waste?

No more! I’ve laid aside my spoon.
I’ve learned my lesson none too soon!

Yet Dear, though now I know it’s funny,
I always will still call you Honey.

by Nora Jay

After Nahum Tate

“US diplomats have been ordered to return to using the Times New Roman typeface in official communications, with secretary of state Marco Rubio calling the Biden administration’s decision to adopt Calibri a ‘wasteful’ diversity move, according to an internal department cable…. The department under Rubio’s predecessor Antony Blinken switched to Calibri in 2023, claiming the modern sans-serif typeface was more accessible for people with disabilities…. [The cable says the return to Times Roman will] ‘restore decorum and professionalism to the Department’s written work products and abolish yet another wasteful DEIA program…'”
—The Guardian

As consuls typed the docs assigned,
Unsure what Trump might want,
The Secretary (not that kind)
Harangued them: “Change that font!

“Decorum’s what we’re all about!
We’re back to Times Gone By!
Low-caliber Calibri’s out,
With wasteful DEI!”

Back came the Serif, whereupon
Appeared a shining wad
Of Times New Roman rants from Don,
At one remove from God.

So, shame to traitors snarling jokes
And squawking squinters, please:
All glory be to soothing strokes
On Ds and Js and Ts!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“The chicest Christmas [sweaters] you’ll actually want to wear this winter”
– Evening Standard

My regimen of exercise and diet
Goes all to hell when Christmas rears its head.
I want my sweaters oversized and ugly,
To camouflage my nascent Christmas spread.

by Clyde Always

“Backstreet Boys singer Brian Littrell faces off in court with senior citizen he says has been trespassing on his private Florida beach … Littrell also sued the Walton County Sheriff’s Office in July, claiming it wasn’t doing enough to protect the family from trespassers.”
—New York Post

The plaintiff is a Backstreet Boy.
His case has raised a stink.
He’s suing people who annoy.
Too bad they’re not NSYNC.

by Julia Griffin

“Ancient Egyptian pleasure boat found by archaeologists off Alexandria coast:
First-century luxury vessel matches description by the Greek historian Strabo, who visited city around 29-25BC … Strabo had visited the Egyptian city around 29-25BC and wrote of such boats: ‘These vessels are luxuriously fitted out and used by the royal court for excursions; and the crowd of revellers who go down from Alexandria by the canal to the public festivals; for every day and every night is crowded with people on the boats who play the flute and dance without restraint and with extreme licentiousness.'”
—The Guardian

The barge she sat in once was gone long since;
The water cooled; the golden prow stripped bare,
Splintered and rotted; the delicious hints
Of perfume melted into air, thin air.
“Extreme licentiousness!” old Strabo wrote
(He had not been invited); “revelry
Without restraint!” No more: the glowing boat
Seemed cold as Caesar’s monument. But see:
Today once more the waves begin to swell;
Soft, purple echoes, surfacing, recall
The stroking oars, the ancient serpent’s spell
That beggars all description (nearly all);
And there she sits, commanding at a touch:
If it be love indeed, tell me how much …